The jokes

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?

The orphanage.

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

Q: What was the orphan's first phone?

A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

The emo kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedo have in common?

Are you ready, kids?🤣

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Your hairline goes all the way back to when Burger King was a Burger Prince.

The only reason why Murrikkkunts think Canada isn't free is because incest is illegal in Canada, in which one can face a sentence as long as 14 years in prison if convicted.