The jokes

Looks like the gene pool in your family is about three inches deep.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.

A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?

Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

What's the laziest mountain?

Mount Ever-rest.

Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Manson all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" Turns out the bartender was Chris Hansen himself.

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.

What is long and not hairy?

The conga line in the cancer department.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.