The jokes
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
What does a rock and a girl have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "Iβm an orphan, your honor."
Memes
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.
The little boy says, "I'm scared."
The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, Iβm not that mean, heβs still trying to open his presents.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Why do orphans only have 363 days of the year? They don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?
Family comes first.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
The depressed kid went to high five the tree... but the tree left them hanging.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.