The jokes
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.
Why do orphans only have 363 days of the year? They don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.
The depressed kid went to high five the tree... but the tree left them hanging.
Teacher: What does the pig give us? Student: Bacon.
Teacher: Very good. How about the chicken? Student: Meat.
Teacher: Good, now what would a fat cow give you? Student: Homework.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
What’s the worst thing to do at a funeral?
The corpse.
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are.
I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."
What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?
Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.
What's bigger than the Milky Way?
Michael Jackson's nose.