The jokes

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?

My clothes don't hang themselves.

What is an emo's least favorite game?

Cut the rope.

Why did the emo cross the road?

To not get to the other side.

What did the kid say to the emo?

"Don't leave me hanging!"

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

"Hello, this is your captain speaking. We are flying at a level of 89 feet. If you look out of your window on the left, you will see the World Trade Center."

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?

Tie the bungee cord around his neck.