The jokes

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

What's the difference between Wacko Jacko and Elvis Presley?

14 number 1 hits.

What do you call Dr. Disrespect on top of a building?

Diddler on the Roof.

Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

To say sorry to the other side.

A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

Why did the emo cross the road?

To not get to the other side.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

Did you know there are black holes billions of years old?

What’s more amazing is the black holes Stephen Hawking studied. We're only 14 years old.

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"