The jokes
The blind person can’t eat fish, it’s “sea food”.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Can you make me a bowl of cereal? Oh wait, your dad never came back with the milk.
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?
They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!
I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.
What is the difference between a book and a Mexican?
One has papers.
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.