The jokes

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.

When you tell your Roblox girlfriend you’re breaking up with her, and then 10 seconds later you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?

The wiener.

When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.

Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.

Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

What is a gay person’s favorite book?

The dictionary.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jill fell down and Jack came tumbling down after.

(And you thought this would be a joke.)

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

Why was the orphan single? Because it could not call someone "daddy".

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.