The jokes

What do you call a man off the ground?

Hanged.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

Why did the orphan become a stripper?

So she could have someone to call daddy.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?

He saw flashing lights.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

The sexual shout "Yes Daddy" probably originated in Alabama.

*Loud explosion inside the tank*

"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an ugly girl? The Twin Towers at least got fucked.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.