The jokes

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?

He saw flashing lights.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

The sexual shout "Yes Daddy" probably originated in Alabama.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

Why did the orphan become a stripper?

So she could have someone to call daddy.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

*Loud explosion inside the tank*

"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.