The jokes

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

Little Johnny tried phone sex, but the holes were too small.

What do you call a group of depressed kids with guns?

The suicide squad.

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"

A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.

Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?

Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.

Why didn't the koala make the finals? It got diskoalafied.

What is a terrorist's DJ name?

Osama Spin Laden.

Dropping beats like the Twin Towers.

So 6 is scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11.

I asked the little German girl to rate our sex between 1-10. She kept crying and shouting "9!"

That's the best I've done so far.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter Eggs!

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because when they spawned in a Minecraft world, all they got was plains.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.