The jokes
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
Why can't Biden play chess?
Because he doesn't have the towers.
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Memes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the gay man's house.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"
"Dave who?"
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society.
Why does the nucleus feel trapped?
Because it’s inside a cell!
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
What is a retard's favorite race? The grand autismo.
Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?
He won a no-bell prize.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
Why were the people in the Twin Towers sad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."