The jokes
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?
They both have plastic in them.
Ever wondered why Chinese kids donβt believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
The toilet paper tried to cross the road. He couldn't because he was stuck in a crack.
WARNING OFFENSIVE: What is the difference between a redhead and a brick? ... A brick gets laid.
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
Why did the chicken cross the road? cuz he saw a chic π
My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.
Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.
I would roast you, but the mirrors do when you look at them.