The jokes

There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:

The guy says, "I'm a fireman."

The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"

The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."

The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"

I'm friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Why can’t orphans say "I’m in the ghetto?" Because they can’t say "I’m in a home."

What is Africa's most played game?

The Hunger Games.

Did you hear about the ninja pedophile? No one saw him coming.

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

In America, planes hit the Twin Towers. In Soviet Russia, Twin Towers hit planes.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.