The jokes

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

Why did the orphan want to become a prostitute?

To get a daddy.

What type of people think rape jokes are funny?

Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂

It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

Why do heterosexual men like to receive an anonymous blowjob at an adult bookstore? Because they don't want gay men and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out that they also like getting their cocks sucked by men, but they don't want gay and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

Did you hear about the ninja pedophile? No one saw him coming.

In America, planes hit the Twin Towers. In Soviet Russia, Twin Towers hit planes.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.

There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

If you faked the moon mission, don't apollo-gize.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Why doesn't China have a cricket team?

They always eat the bat.