The jokes

When I was born, I saw you at the adoption center alone.

That day your dad got milk. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬

What the hell dam, hell dam?

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”

Face the truth, Jake could have went on the door, but Rose wanted him to die.

Is laughing a problem?

Laughing at what?

I want to jump.

Jump—what?

Jump off the hook.

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

2+2+67+23= Now calculate the mass of the Solar system. Be these questions these days.

What's the difference between a submarine and Madeline McCann?

They are both full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea.

What does the PH stand for in "orphan"?

My dad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.

You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror.

You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.

You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.

My great uncle died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the guard towers.

What's the most annoying thing in the world?

When you're told you're still qualified to live.

I hope you have to dip your Oreos in water because your dad never came back with the milk.

I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave.

Somebody went, "Damn, that crashed harder than the Twin Towers." Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash.

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.