The jokes

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."

I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"

I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Three men walk into a bar. You would think the 3rd one would have ducked! 😅

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have five fingers, The third one's for you.

Stephen Hawking trying to climb the stairway to heaven.

What did Goodlife Fitness say to LA Fitness? "I guess it's just not 'working out'!"

What did the baritone say to the alto?

Nothing, you couldn’t hear him.

"You're the bomb"—a compliment in the USA.

An argument in the Middle East.

What did the triangle say to the circle?

"You're pointless!"

What did the pizzas say to the pizza maker?

CHEESE-US!

Why didn't the skeleton follow his dreams? He was too gutless.

Yo mama so fat, it took the Flash 40 years to run around her.

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

What do sharks and humans have alike? The great white one.

Your hairline goes so far back that the History Channel made a show about it.