The jokes

Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?

Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.

My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...

Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?

A. Nothing, they both die at ten.

I just came up with a really good deaf people joke! The great thing is that they won't be able to hear it!

Two sticks of butter walk into a butter bar. One says to the other, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" He replies, "Sure, dis my butter from another utter."

What did the squash say to the tomato?

Ketchup!

How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.

Girls are like a bus; you might miss the first bus and catch the second bus.

What did the fish say when he got to the dam?

"Dam water."

"Dam!"

Which part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales!

What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.

Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.

Why couldn't the chicken cross the road? Why couldn't the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken's ass!

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.

Where do Eagles send their children to study?

The Alpha birds.

What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow?

Nothing, it was feeling blue.

What did the egg who was sun bathing say to the other egg? Don't look at my crack!

Why does Helen Keller loom in the toilet after taking a poop?

Nobody knows!

What did one nut say to the other nut? "Help!"

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!

Girl: Mom, meet my boyfriend.

Mom: Meet my boyfriend.

Girl's boyfriend: Dad, is that you? Are you back from the supermarket with milk?

Mom's boyfriend: Uh, gtg.