The jokes
I have some black friends who hate it when I say the N-word around them, so I got a pet monkey.
Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
What is the worst thing about your birthday being on September 11?
Party crashers.
Why does Ezra Miller’s Flash run in a straight line in The Flash movie? Bro ain’t straight.
Memes
What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?
The 2028 US election.
An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.
Obese is the N-word for fat people.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
What’s the difference between a Jew and an American? The American makes it out of camp.
What do you call a bunch of Black people in the river?
A black current...
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"
Kat, what? I did. A cat jump over the road because he believes he came flying in the clouds. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! So funniest kitten kitten kitten kidding is my last time of Do you Joooooooooooooooooooooookin?
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.
He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!
There was once a kid named Timmy. His father and mother went to bed one night and didn't hear or see Timmy come with them.
They all get under the covers. Timmy, still unnoticed, looks under the covers and lets out a blood-curdling scream. "MOMMY, WATCH OUT! THERE IS A SNAKE GOING INTO YOUR BIG BLACK HAIRY BUSH!" And he proceeds to say, "DON'T WORRY MOMMY, I'LL GET IT!" And he takes his father's penis in his mouth and chomps down.
Now I want you to think what their breakfast conversation was the next morning.
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ