The jokes

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry peeling onions!

Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.

Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.

Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.