The jokes
What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?
"Hi-five!"
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."
What is the difference between whores and nuns?
Nuns usually discover their own chosen vocation. Whores usually have their vocation chosen by pimps.
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
Memes
A man bought a brand new iPhone but returned it, why?
The apple was already bitten.
Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?
She screamed her little fingers off.
What's the worst part about microwaving vegetables?
Fitting the wheelchair in.
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...
You get to meet Chris Hansen!
Chuck Norris: "Chuck Norris doesn't fight, he just allows you to lose."
Me: "How come did you lose Return of the Dragon?"
My disabled dad went to the grocery store.
He got lost and yet they couldn’t find him.
Finally, he was found after a kid told them he was in the vegetable aisle.
To All The Naruto Fans:
Sharingan is red, Rasengans are blue, If you dare touch my daughter, I'll Chidori you!
What did the blind man say to his dog after eating dinner?
"Just ate a tasty steak!"
Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?
To get them in his van.
What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?
The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.
Wow, that was explosive!
Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!
Thank the Lord for my two huge balls!
Yo forehead is so big it couldn't even fit in the United States.
Why is mercury like everything else in the world?
Because it gives you cancer.
Babe, it's over.
After all I've done for you? Wow! I cheated on you with your sister anyway.
I meant the movie...