The jokes
Someone stole my toilet, and the police have nothing to go on.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50 and Jack came down smiling.
Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?
All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.
what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Suicide.
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”
Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bartender here?"
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.