The jokes

What's the difference between family and cats...

Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.

Where did Tanner go during the 9/11 terrorist attack?

Everywhere.

"In my opinion, JFK was the best president."

"Why?"

"He was very open-minded!"

The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"

Heard the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

Why didn't the koala make the football team? Because it got diskoalafied!

Santa Claus gives a child a bike. The child was mad. Why? He had no legs.

Why did the old man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

"Jump in the Cadillac, girl, let's put some miles on it."

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

Why do girls scratch their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have another pair of balls.

Orphan: I dip my Oreos in water.

Me: Why?

Orphan: Because my dad did not come back with the milk.

You know the saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"

Wonderful saying! Horrible way to find out you're adopted! :DD

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?

Where did Sally go after the gunshot?

6 feet under.

*That is how deep they put the coffin...*