The jokes

What is burned dark and glued to the wall?

A bad electrician.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.

If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?

The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Why did Sally get to go to Hawaii for free?

She washed up on the beach.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?

He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

What do girls and rocks have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

Why were the Twin Towers scared at dinner?

Because their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground?

Nothin' much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?

The thot that counts.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)

What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?

The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber 🥒

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."