The jokes
Why couldn't the carrot go to his friend's house?
Because he was grounded.
Not many people know this, but Soulja Boy was the lead role in a very successful children's movie a while ago. Released to theaters nationwide in 2006 was Honey, I Crunked the Kids.
Why did Shelley fall off the swing? She had no arms.
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He got hit!
What did the skeleton play when he joined the band?
A tromBONE.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
Me: Hey Joe, updog.
Joe: What?
Me: Updog.
Joe: What's updog?
*Facepalms*
Me: Lol in the corner.
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
Your looking sharp!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Why couldn’t the guy make bubbles?
He couldn’t find the right solution.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Why did the steward not receive his passport? Because his face was not valid!
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?
One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
What do you call a chair with a hat?
I don't know; the real question is, why was the chair wearing a hat?
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."