The jokes

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

Why does Michael Jackson like to play ping pong or table tennis? He likes to play with the little balls.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they all beat the room for being black.

What is the favorite dish in Africa? The empty one.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

In the morning, I become a cereal killer.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.