The jokes

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?

Everywhere.

Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.

All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

What’s wrong with a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like shit.

What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?

Ashtraynauts.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.