The jokes
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.
All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two, but now it's just a sensitive subject.
Donald: "If I lose this election, I will leave the country."
Joe: "Bi den"
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.
Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What's the difference between orphans and cotton?
Cotton gets picked.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
Why does Michael Jackson like to play ping pong or table tennis? He likes to play with the little balls.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.