That jokes
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
Why don't Jedis make puns that often?
They usually have to force them. (I hate myself for that!)
A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.
The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"
I saw a yellow bus and I knew that some-ting was wrong.
The bus was white.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow! What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"
What do you call a fat bitch that eats cum from used condoms? Your mom!
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
There's two types of emo people:
1. People that cut side to side.
2. And people that cut up and down.
The most efficient is up and down.
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
Which band doesn’t make music?
One Direction.
Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”
Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”
Son: “So your friend is gay?”
Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»
Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”
Father loudly: “YES!!!”
Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”
Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»
Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”
*A few hours later*
Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”
Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”
Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”
The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».
*The End* :D
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to bury them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but the second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat, though.”
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Steve!"
"Steve who?"
Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.
What do you call a fish that has a dick?
Moby Dickkkkk!
History teacher: "They had a temporary cure for the disease, but it would be years before they found a cure for life."
Student: "I need that."
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"