That jokes

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

Q: What do you call an elephant that isn't important?

A: My sister.

I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

The egg that beat Kylie Jenner.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

Our teacher said for two kids to stare at a wall for no reason, so I said, "Hey wall, that ass flat like a pancake from McDonald's."

Say, "Crack my fingers."

Now say that backwards...

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.

If your best friend tells you that he's gay for you, what do you do? Tell him, "Oh, nice gay ass."