State jokes

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

The Golden State? More like your mum's state...

What is the definition of Hell, a city in the state of Michigan?

Yo mama so fat that State Farm tried to get on her side but couldn’t.

If ignorance is bliss, BLESSEDBRIAN must be the happiest person alive.

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

How do people in Alabama get circumcised? You knee your sister's jaw...

Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?

Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

My friend's life.

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.

One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.

They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.

A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."

The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.

What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?

The Two Towers.

I can't come in, because I'm too high.

Texans: Don't mess with Texas.

*snows 1 inch*

Texans: Please help us, President Biden!

My life...

Nobody: The crickets in the back: Talk talk talk.

Me: JOE MAMA OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."