SOS jokes

Yo mama so poor she walked into an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jill's real name is Randy.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?

They are always swinging a stick.

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They lost 2 towers.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"

So, Duracell batteries do run out.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.