Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jill's real name is Randy.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?
They are always swinging a stick.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
Why are Americans so bad at chess?
They lost 2 towers.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to stop the Cold War with a heater.
THIS IS A RHYME
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna.
Jill said yes as he grabbed her dress,
and they had a little fun.
Jill forgot her pills so now they have a son.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
So, Duracell batteries do run out.
Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
I heard a joke about candy bars, but it wasn't very funny, so I just snickered.
