Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile.
SOS Jokes
"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."
- Charlie Chaplin
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.
Yo mama is so dumb, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.
Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.
I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.
Why was Michael Jackson so loved? He touched so many children in so many special ways.
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.
Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"
So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"
I asked the little German girl to rate our sex between 1-10. She kept crying and shouting "9!"
That's the best I've done so far.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Yo mama so poor she walked into an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:
The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"
