You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
SOS Jokes
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.
Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.
Your hairline's so ugly, it turned Medusa to stone!
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesn’t listen.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
The term "every 60 seconds" is so stupid.
You know Africans don’t get seconds.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
You're so bald that Disney uses your head for movie scripts.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
Your hairline is so big, I couldn't find the area of it on Jupiter.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
Yo mama so fat, she the reason why Moses split the Red Sea.
Yo mama so fat, she needs 17 iPhones to take a selfie.
