SOS jokes

Your mom is so poor, she buys used food.

Yo mama is so skinny, she makes friends with a snake.

Why were ET's eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

Yo mama's so fat, she woke up on both sides of the bed.

Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.

Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.

Yo mama so fat, the cops arrested her because she had 240 pounds of crack on her.

What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued.

Your flesh was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

[God creating sharks]

God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.

Angel: Seems excessive but ok.

God: And make them mean as hell.

Angel: WTF y.

God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.

Angel:...

God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.

Angel: Why do I still work for you?

God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.

(I'm Asian so I can say this.) If I say that we are made of money, that just means you can fit pennies through our little eye slits, and we can save them for you in there!

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

You don't want to know why it takes so long to put a dead woman in a mass-produced coffin in a pre-buried grave dug by machinery that is then filled by mourners.

Just watched my friend take a steak out of her pocket. That steak was so outta pocket.

Unknown be like: "Wah wah, I'm too scared to talk to girls in real life, so I bully random tweens I find online to make me feel better... what a shame."

I'm autistic, and I find these so funny.

Yo mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can and I asked her what she was doing and she said moving.