Method jokes
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
How do you paint a wall red? Throw a baby at it!
How do birds pay? With their bills!
How do you clean the ocean?
With tide!
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What’s the best way to get gum out of hair?
Cancer.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do terrorists feed their kids?
"Here comes the airplane, and here comes the second one."
Method Man: Yo what’s crackin’?
ODB: Yep
Why don’t babies pollinate flowers?
God chose Plan B.
What's the best way to find the Twin Towers?
Bucket.
Man: How do you prepare your chicken?
Waiter: Nothing special, we just tell them they’re going to die.
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
How did the Indian suicide bomber blow himself up?
He pressed the red button.
When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
How did Hitler tie his tiny little shoesies?
With tiny little Nazis.
How do you get a trans woman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.