A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."
I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.
Why Stephen hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife
She kept getting the Metal detector out
Bitch: Nice eyebrows.
Me: Yeah, where's yours, motherfucker?
Bitch: (Realizing she shaved them off cause she thought it would look cool)
Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.
A young, innocent little girl is playing hopscotch, and she says, "You step on a crack, you break your mama's back." Then she steps on a crack, so her mother's back proceeded to break slowly. Then she said, "You step on a line, you break your dada's spine," but the neighbor's spine broke, and in happiness, the thought-to-be previous father gets in his car and drives through the garage door...
Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."
She said, "Who's there?"
I said, "I Eat eat my mop."
She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."
Why was the turtle looking at her phone?
She wanted to take a shellfie.
Knock knock? *who's there?* Not sally she doesn’t have and arms Why did sally fall off the swing? She doesn’t have any arms Why did sally drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus
My aunt worked as a human cannonball.
I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows.
Yo mama so ugly she the reason why Slender Man has no eyes.
Yo mamma is so dumb, she will watch Disney Junior all night long.
Why is your mom's butt so smelly? Cause she wipes poorly.
Why did the astronaut return to Earth?
She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
She does not wanna fuck you, and she don’t need you clapping them cheeks.
I like this Russian girl, but she hasn't asked me to hang off a cliff while drinking vodka.
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
