Sea jokes
A... B... Sea?
What happened to the woman who slipped in a seafood restaurant?
Um...I don't know what?
She slipped on a mussel!
What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?
"Go fuck yourself... at the bottom of the sea."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
Why did the pirate go to the gym?
To improve his booty strength!
water
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
A lawyer bought a beautiful yacht. He invited the law firm to come aboard for a great weekend.
Saturday night was the candle light dinner and Sam drank too much, walked on the deck and fell over the rail into the water and was calling for help. Tom said, "Oh no, the sharks will get him." All of the party lined along the rail and noticed the sharks were swimming around him in a circle. Jim said, "The sharks are not even bothering him!" And a shark lifted up his head out of the water and said, "Professional Courtesy."
What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Your hairline parts faster than Moses parting the Red Sea.
What do you get when a dinosaur farts?
A blast from the past!
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
What did the shark say when it ate the clownfish?
It tasted funny!
A stupid dolphin makes an annoying noise.
The dolphin did it on porpoise.
What do you call male mermaids?
Mer-butlers!
A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.
After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.
And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"
God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What is the thirstiest ocean in the world?
The Gulf of Mexico lol!