Say jokes
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?
"Alcohol, you later!"
What did the trumpet say to Trump?
"Hi, fellow trumpet!"
What did the boy say to the noose?
"Can you please tie me."
What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?
Get out of my son!
What does the donkey say to the other donkey?:
Nothing, donkeys don't talk.
Why did Hitler say "nein"? Because he just got raped, bitch!
What did Goodlife Fitness say to LA Fitness? "I guess it's just not 'working out'!"
What did the chocolate dentist say to the other chocolate dentist? Did you "chip" a tooth?
What did one brain cell say to the other brain cell?
"I think I feel a connection!"
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
My friend had no school because of heavy snow.
Guess you could say it was a snow school day!
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
They say Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he doesn't cry.
So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"