Russian jokes
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
They call it the Cold War because Russia is cold in 2 ways.
What does a Russian do for entertainment?
A nuclear world fair.
What do you call a Russian pharmacist?
"Ivan Astichestykov."
What do you call a Russian man with three balls?
'Whodya nikabollokov'
What is a Russian joke?
Something that will be funny for Russian people.
Why did the Russian cross the road?
To get to the other side.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
I like this Russian girl, but she hasn't asked me to hang off a cliff while drinking vodka.
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland, what are you when you are IN the bathroom?
European.
Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.
Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?
Stranger 1: You can't!
Stranger 2: You can.
Stranger 3: How?
Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.
Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?
Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.
Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-
(The chat has been closed by stranger 1)
A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.