Right jokes

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

Q: Where do you find a quadriplegic?

A: Right where you left 'em.

Do you know why I finger women with my left hand?

They don’t deserve rights!

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Yo mum." "Yo mum who?" "Yo mum is watching you wank right now."

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Man, I love this joke: Women's rights.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.