Religion

Religion jokes

What's similar between a priest and McDonald's?

They both shove their meat in between 10 year old buns.

  • 1

    • Why are Egyptian gods orphans?

    Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.

    What’s the opposite of an exorcism?

    It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.

  • 3

    • One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.

    Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

    A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"

    The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.

    The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"

    "They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."

  • 6

    • It says in the Bible to only think about what’s pure and lovely... So I’ve been thinking about you all day long.

    A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "What did you do, child?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

    Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"

    Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

    Why did the orphan finally go to church? So they could call someone "father."

    The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

    Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

    Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

    Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

    The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

    Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

  • 6

    • Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

    Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

    There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

    Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

    Priest, "How so?"

    Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

    Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

    Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

    Then Matt walks out the door.

    Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

    Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

    There's only one reason our Education Minister is standing by this curriculum.

    In her religion, you NEVER pull out.