Religion jokes
The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.
When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.
She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?
Father Les.
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"
Jesus is great because Jesus is good. Amen.
Jesus is fake,
He hides from himself.
What is hell to you?
Jesus!!!!!
He is everywhere taking our time and energy and our lives for his entertainment.
But Judgment Day is his eternal hell!
And our Eternal Heaven!!
Jesus stinks so bad he killed all living things in Heaven.
Jesus is what he eats!
Shit!
Did you know that...the only reason you don't call priests "daddy" is because that's what you call them in sex!
Your mommy.
Ok, here's a story about the church.
There were two parents, then they had a baby. Then they go to the church and the baby was getting a cross on his forehead. Guess he was big headed. Sorry if this offends anyone or makes this joke bad since I keep writing this.
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s when the Devil tells the priest to exit the child’s body.
Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.
A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white...?
A dead nun rolling down a hill.
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white...? A dead nun rolling down a hill.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?
It only took one nail to hang the picture frame.
According to Christianity, Jesus is the son of a GODFATHER.