Religion Jokes

So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.

The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

There are Three Sons: Journey, Korean, and Little Joe. They were trapped on a floating island, and a priest gave them each one wish.

The first son wished to go back to the ground. The Second Son wished to go back to the ground. The third son was lonely and wished for his two brothers to come back to the floating island.

What is humble, holy, and helps?

An angle...

If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?

No one.

Why are priests called father?

I don’t know why.

Because calling them daddy is too suspicious.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

What did God say when he created the first black person?

"Behold, this specimen of divine integrity!"

I once put the Bible in the fiction section.

A little riddle...

Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?

...

Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?

Why are you guys making fun of priests?

Because you have a suga daddy already.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"