Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy."
Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.
I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
Why did the boy ask a question to the girl?
I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."
Why don't chickens and sheep get along?
Because they have beef between them.
Best friend: Let’s get tattoos of our parents.
Orphan: I don’t have parents.
My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.
I wanna date you.
Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
Hey daddy *winky face*
My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
My sister was hitting on my boyfriend. I'm 11, she's 9. She said, "Go f-ck yourself," so I said, "Okay, thanks for the idea!"
One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
