Recovery jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

A guy walks into an AA meeting and asks for a road map.

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?

It’s all Depends!

There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.

He's all right.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.

If I was a raped victim, would silence be the best medicine?

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

A man walks into an AA meeting and asks for a roadmap.

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

If your butt hurts real bad, put some vapor rub and booty cream on it so it can heal back to normal.

What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?

Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...

That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.

Everyone, Alya is okay!!!!!!!!!! She got up, she can walk, and she can talk regular!!!!