Puns
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
Why does it get hot after a baseball game?
'Cause all the fans have left.
I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.
Doctor: Hands husband his baby.
Doctor: I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.
Husband: Then give me the one she made.
Why are the jokes fat? Because you made it.
What hairstyle do horses like best while reading a story?
Pony-tails.
Why did the boy study for his math test in a tree?
'Cause he wanted higher grades.
What do you call a funny drink?
Punch!
Q: Sex is great, only your mate can sometimes be a little nuts!
(I am still a single young virgin.)
What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?
You need more dressing.
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
I tried to dress hot so my boyfriend would cast some attention upon me, but it just made him sweat.
What planets do Astronauts like to pee on?
Uranus!
(Say this out loud and it will make more sense.)
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
So, on one partly cloudy night, there was a boy and his dad gazing up at the sky.
Dad: Aren't the stars just wonderful?
Boy: I'm not sure, from my angle, all I see are clouds.
Dad: Well, come over here and take a look.
Boy: Damn, the clouds always move when I get to the right spot!
Dad: Well then, I guess I will have to make you see them everywhere you look then.
Then the Dad shook and spun the boy around till he said...
NOW I'M SEEING STARS!!!
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
Orange: Hey.
Pear: Hey.
Orange: No hay!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!