Pick Up jokes
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there's a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "What was that all about?"
Best pick up line EVER.
There is an app on your phone called ringer. Go into it. There is a 12 to 15 digit number. Enter that into my phone, my dick will get 12 to 15 inches longer.
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
The hardest part of picking up a hitch hiker is tying them up.
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
"What do you want to eat?"
"You choose."
"Children."
"What?"
*Picks up pot*
"You said anything!"
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."
A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"
"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."
"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Ooh! I know a joke!
(Papyrus) What is it?
(Sans) Knock knock!
(Papyrus) Uh... who's there?
(Sans) Sans
(Papyrus) Sans who?
(Sans) SANS IS LAZY!!!!! NOW PICK UP YOUR SOCKS BEFORE I SHOVE MY SPAGHETTI INTO YOUR MOUTH!
(Papyrus)
My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.
Why can’t orphans pick up their phone after school?
Because they need their parents to go pick it up.
Spongebob: Easy now, you try first. Get a jar.
Patrick: *picks up nuke*
Spongebob: Patrick, that's a nuke!
Patrick: Yes.
Nuke: *boom*
Dschoha's wife was accustomed to go out at night to meet her lover, which caused the neighbors to tease Dschoha. Thus, one night he stayed awake until she left, then locked the door and sat down just inside.
Upon returning, she found the door locked. She asked him to have mercy on her and to open the door, but he just scolded her.
Having given up hope for a good outcome, she said to him, "If you don't open the door for me, I'll jump into the well."
Then she picked up a large stone and threw it into the well. Filled with regret, he ran outside to see what had happened. His wife immediately slipped into the house and locked the door.
He made every effort to convince her to let him come inside, but she scolded him incessantly, saying, "This is what you get for staying out all night with your drunken friends!" And thus she succeeded in shaming him in the presence of all their neighbors.