Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to his owner.
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
Little Johnny got a dog without ears, and then they invited their neighbors over. Then they asked what his name was. The owners said, "We didn't name him anything, because there's no reason. Because when we called his name, he wouldn't come."
Why can’t orphans have a house pet?
Because its parents have it to itself.
I met an orphan with a dog yesterday. I chose the dog.
One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆
What do you do when you see a wiener dog?
I like you wiener.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purrrple!
Joe Biden said he was going to a petting zoo.
Trump said schools are not petting zoos.
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Who is more loyal: a dog or a wife?
Well, lock them both in your trunk for two hours and drive around and see which one is happy to see you.
So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he's not coming.
I was crying while my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen. Onions was such a good dog.
My dog went through my bathroom garbage, and for some reason, my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...
