Person jokes

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

I threw a gay person into a fire. Now we call him LGBBQ.

What does a rich person eat? 24 karats/carrots!

If a fat person were to go on a flying car, it will just be at the ground. When they exit, it will just fly up.

What's the difference between a dog from an Asian person and a cat from an Asian person?

Only the taste.

What do you call a disabled person who deals drugs?

A wheel dealer.

What is a disabled person's least favorite song?

"I'm Still Standing."

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

You are so fat that when you wear a yellow raincoat, a running person behind you shouted, "Taxi!"

I'm looking for the bartender.

Person named Bart:

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

Yeah, Eli is hot.

What do you tell a suicidal person when they complain about their problems to you?

Just hang in there, man.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Person: Sure.

Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.

Person: Dear God...

Why was the emo person dead inside?

Because I stole their insides.

What do you call a tall person?

A tall person.

What's the difference between a blind person and an orphan?

They both can't see their parents.

Ashten Parkes

What's the worst thing to happen to a Japanese person in WW2... being drafted as a kamikaze pilot, or existing with a Fat Man or Little Boy?