Person jokes

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Person: Why?

Me: Because he wanted to.

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can?

Good thing it was a "soft" drink!

What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. The person got excited and asked if I can drive a truck.

What's the difference between a black person and an apple?

An apple chooses to hang.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheels.

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

What do you call a flat-chested emo?

A cutting board.

Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?

A: A rapist.

How do you lift a depressed person up?

No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.

You could be sitting alone and still be the dumbest person in the room.

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?

Coco Pops.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

What's the difference between a dog from an Asian person and a cat from an Asian person?

Only the taste.

Yeah, Eli is hot.

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

Why was the emo person dead inside?

Because I stole their insides.