When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table 25+ kill streak
Why do people in Alabama like peanut butter and jelly? because it’s in bread
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What does the Peanut Butter Baby say?
"Ah!"
The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.
Friend: What are you doing?
Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.
Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"
I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
What do women and peanut butter have in common?
They're both easy to spread.
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What's your mom and a dog got in common?
Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both like oil
What's a shark's favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week the 16 year old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
