Outing jokes

What do eating a watermelon, rolling a cigarette, and eating a hippie chick out have in common?

Spit, spit, spit!

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.

Why couldn't the horse give out a speech?

Option one: Horses can't speak at all.

Option two: His voice was a little *hoarse*.

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ruff ruff.

Ruff ruff who?

Let the dogs out.

"Watch out, plane! Wait, really? I ordered pepperoni."

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than grandpa.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Git is going to let Bill Cosby out of jail. Oh wait, he watched Little Bill.

You are so fat that when you jump into the pool, everyone gets out.