Open Jokes

Anonymous
in JFK

We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world

Chase

What do you call a opener that doesn’t work a can,t opener

Anonymous321
in Sister

One day my sister was making hotdogs. My sister ask me if I want some I said no then my sister ask my friend, and he always said no. Then my sister said I have to eat it plain with no flavor we have no ketchup, mustard or onions. My friend said I got something to give it flavor my sister ok. My sister left the kitchen to get something. I ask my friend what are you going to do then he took the hotdog bread open it and run is penis all around, and put some white cream that came out of his penis. I put the hotdogs on the bread then my sister came back My sister came back put hotdogs on the hotdog bread. I told my sister the hotdogs are ready she ate them I ask how was the hotdogs. My sister said I don’t know what flavor is this, but it is very tasty.

Anonymous321

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off then he ask if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah the thing is my mom was coming out the shower naked and when she open the door it was me and the mailman. Now when the mailman sees me he says to me we got something in common we both saw your mom naked.

watersharky

Watersharky Music Productions Presents Memories by Conan Gray One, two It’s been a couple months That’s just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures Now I kinda smile, I haven’t felt that in a while It’s late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it’s pouring I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can’t turn away a wet dog But please don’t ruin this for me Please don’t make it harder than it already is I’m trying to get over this I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I’m traumatized But you’re not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You’re all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say “I wish that you would stay in my memories” In my memories, stay in my memories Now I can’t say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it’s hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again I promise that the ending always stays the same So there’s no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again I can’t be your friend, can’t be your lover Can’t be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I’m traumatized But you’re not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You’re all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say “I wish that you would stay in my memories” In my memories, stay in my memories Since you came I guess I’ll let you stay For as long as it takes To grab your books and your coat And that one good cologne That you bought when we were fighting 'Cause it’s still on my clothes, everything that I own And it makes me feel like dying I was barely just surviving I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I’m traumatized But you’re not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You’re all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say “I wish that you would stay in my memories” In my memories, stay in my memories

Yo Mama sucs Deez Nuts

People ALWAYS told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

Yo Mama sucs Deez Nuts

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!Lol

Some Random Dude
in Little Johnny

It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother’s bedroom. He thinks, “Meh, Dad’s probably back from the grocery store”. But 2 seconds later, he heard a “Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH” and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19 yr old mom. He asks, “Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?”. Santa replied, “Your mother asked for her ‘milk jar’ to be filled, and that’s what I am doing.” Johnny says, “Oh.” “But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?”

(Santa winks at you)

Anonymous
in Dog

A dog walked into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

Anonymous
in Bar

A dog walked into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!

Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the Playground

ORIGINAL POSTER!

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

poopsok
in Roast

i would like to call you as dumb as a rock but they can hold a door open

Anonymous
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny walked on into to his house.He heard a banging sound from up above and decied to investigate.He opened the door to his parents room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door.He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

D: Johnny Johnny J: Yes papa? D: Eating sugar J: No papa! D: Telling Lies J: No Papa D: Open your mouth, Now full of cock. :)

-Dark humor

Kawhi Leonard

What’s the difference between when I opened the window in a car wash and when Kawhi Leonard did it? Atleast my dad didn’t get shot in the eye.

Anonymous

Wanna story?

One day, my boyfriend told me he had to go on a buisness trip. He said he wouldn’t be back in two weeks, and his dad would check in on me. I was fine with that, cause’ his dad was really nice, and he used to be a model, so he looked good.

Soo a few days later, his dad came to check in on me. And for the next three days, he’d come, and we’d sit on my couch and watch tv, or we’d go out to In-n-out to eat.

So, on the fifth day, we dicided to drink. And one thing led to another. WARNING GRAPHIC

So we watched Gilmore girls, and we were drunk. It started out as us cuddling, and slurrily flirting, then it was making out. Well, on the ninth day we didn’t drink, but we cuddled, then made out. He put my head on his lap, then bent down and whispered: “I’m going.” I stood up, and he undressed me, and we went. He grabbed my boobs and would kiss them, lick them, and bite them. We gave each other lots of hickeys, and it was great. He told me to suck his dik, and I did.We continued, and finally, we went to my bed, and I laied on his dick the whole night, sucking when he told me.

Sooo when my boyfriend came back, a week later, I was really distant from him. He offered sx the next day, but it wasn’t as great as his dad’s.

Now, after about a month, he said we should have some time alone, like a week. I was soooo happy.

So, I called his dad, and his dad came over, but with a friend. “Hey, this is Danny.” His dad introduced. Danny was nice at first, but then he kept making comments about my boobs. He said he’d like to f them, and I thought he was just being sweet.

But that night, I heard footsteps, and my door opened. My boyfriend, (let’s call him Jake,) Jake’s dad jumped up on my bed, and pinned me down. Both of the men were butt-naked. I was kinda scared as Danny jumped up, with a belt. I was rolled over, and Danny took the belt, and began whipping my butt. He finally stopped, but his shoved his dick in my bhut. I was rolled around, again, and both men humped me. They took turns fuking me, and pushed their dcks in my vagina. Jake’s dad cummed me, and it was suddenly like hell.

So, the next morning, both men were sprawled over me, and I felt sick.

The men woke up, and apologised, but I forgave them. I told them I was in love. So for the next week, the like, lived with me, and payed my rent, if I let them sleep with me everynight.

So, pls don’t call me evil, but I told my bf I wanted to break up w him, and I told him I loved his dad. Jake was heartbroken, but I didn’t care. I decided to date his dad, and his friend, Danny, and we had soo much fun. His dad was shit-rich, and so we went to Guicci, and fancy food places on the normal. I was so happy with the boys.I made love with them, but I didn’t want to get pregnant, us three together was all I wanted.

So, we went to Gucci to get swimsuits, anddddd I saw my ex boyfriend. I was horrified he would see me. I pointed it out to my boyfriends, and they usered my away. “Hailey!” I heard him call, and I stopped.In.My.Tracks. I turned around, and he was only like three feet away from me. He saw me with HIS dad, and looked pretty mad. “Danny, what are u doing?” He asked. And I totally forgot to tell him! I told him I was dating his dad, and Danny, and he looked so angry, like he was going to punch them. “You can’t marry two guys!” He screamed at me. I shook my head. I would only marry one, and date the other! Simple. His dad told him to fuck off, and we left Gucci.

So, a year later I married Jake’s dad, just because he was cuter, and dated Danny. We got looks from people, but I didn’t care, it was wonderful with them. I would sleep in the middle of my bed, and they’d sleep at my sides.

So, a while later, we got a house. Like a freaking huuuge house, we all slept in one room, but there was like six guest bedrooms. Again, danny and Jake’s dad, (srry we’ll call Jake’s dad Bill) Danny and Bill were so rich, so we had like a mansion.

Come for part 2

Honest Penaldo Fan
in Penaldo

The cycle of Pionel Pessi:

-Ghosting👻

-Diving🐬

-Complaining to teammates😡

-Complaining to refs🤬

-Missing sitters🤦‍♂️

-Gets a lucky open net tapin⚽️

-Proceed to get 🐐shouts

-Repeat🔁

People with REAL ball knowledge know he’s just an overrated tapin merchant 😭

Anonymous

Yo Momma’s legs are like cottage cheese: white and chunky. Yo Momma’s so dirty that when I asked what was for dinner she sat on the table, opened her legs and said “Crabs.”