Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Hii! Oh my gosh. It has been forever! How have you guys been? Comment your favorite movie!!!! <3
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
A guy goes in to get some tests done, the doctor comes out and says "I got good news and bad news." The guy says "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says "The tests cam back positive, you got 2 weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin her."
how it be when the new guy takes too long... hay Danny, its me Johnny. Johnny: boss says to kill the guy in red. point the gun at his head. Danny: ok target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang. Johnny: danny hope you did not get the man in red> Danny; OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:
Sans: "Sub bro."
Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"
Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."
Sans: "A skele-ton."
(Drum effect)
Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.
Yo mama so fat that the avengers team had to snap five times and say oh my God
OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
Mom:Dont forget to unload the dishwasher
Mom:did you finish ur homework?
Mom:We are going to ur grandmothers house for thanksgiving
Mom:Dad and i talked we are getting a new car next month
Son:u are?? oh my gosh thank you
Mom:No i was just making sure you were getting my texts
Son:that was cruel
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
First bite: Oh my God!
Second bite: Oh my, God!
Why do we call it dead bodies? Nobody says alive bodies! like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG ITS FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones tho." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on husband, help me with the bodies." If its a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,
'Cause she was transgender.
